Hey guys,

It's been ages since I did a personal post and a lot of things have changed recently so I thought it was the perfect opportunity to fill you guys in and get a few things off my chest.

So September marked a milestone for my family. My baby, angel, bubbles, Zinnia started school. This is such a momentous achievement because when I think of her as a baby to where she is now it's pretty remarkable. It might sound cliche, but she has grown into such an intelligent, caring, mindful little girl and I could literally burst with pride thinking about her standing there in her uniform. She is born in August and this makes her the youngest in her class, but I can confidently say she was more than ready for school.

With Zinnia starting school, I also felt like it was time for my little Princess, Choochi, Sabine to get a little bit more structure to her day, so decided to start her in nursery. She is 2 and a half now and I felt like she needed it. She is such a beautiful and clever little thing, and her cheekiness is admirable but I knew this would be put to the test with her starting nursery. She talked the talk, in that she was boasting to everyone she was going to start nursery, however when the settling in sessions started, she was distressed. She does three full days, 8am to 4pm, while I'm at work. She still has a little cry in the mornings, but I guess these things take time. They tell me she plays happily once she has calmed down in the morning. But then when I see her as I walk through the door she bursts into tears again. It's quite sweet actually. Her little lips and big eyes stunned at seeing me and then all of a sudden a burst of emotion as she is reminded of the hurt. However, she has had the odd occasion where she sees me and runs to give me a hug so all in all she is getting better.

My husband has also started working full time. We were previously both working part time and then spending equal days looking after the girls. Whilst I was at work he would look after the girls and when he was at work I would. So in a weird way my routine is the only one that has stayed the same, working three days as a teacher and freelancing as a make-up artist the rest of the time, but obviously with the girls starting school and nursery and Aaron starting back full time, all these changes have affected me too in the strangest of ways.

I'm a little lost. I guess it had taken me about 4 years to get used to the idea of the fact that I am mum  and literally when I became comfortable in my skin and routine, all of a sudden I feel like I have lost my identity all over again (see my Identity Crisis post here). Which is stupid. I mean I am literally telling myself that this feeling is ridiculous. I can't help but feel I have lost a little bit of my girls. I have absolutely no idea what they get up to when they're at school/ nursery. Even being a teacher myself and understanding the curriculum and what it's like for children at school, I still find it hard to deal with the fact that I don't know what they're getting up to. God help me when they become teenagers and want to go out on their own (not happening). 

And then comes the bout of guilt again. Anytime I'm not with them (unless I'm working) I feel guilty. 'Oh I shouldn't leave them, I hardly see them now they're at school/nursery.' Which is bull because I do and I know I deserve time to myself. I think I'm my own worst enemy and my biggest critic. I still have a lot of guilt towards Zinnia for being a first time mum quite young and not knowing what I was doing. Which again is ridiculous as I did the best I could and everyone experiences this as first time mums. It's like feeling guilty for her being first and Sabine second, but someone has to go first. I realise what I'm saying is so irrational but it's a feeling and that's all. This motherhood malarky is the most complicated thing I have ever done.

If you follow me on Instagram, you may have seen in my stories we have also decided to move house. We haven't been here long and I love my house but I'm also thinking about my girls future and I want the absolute best for them so I will do whatever I can to get that for them. Exciting things are happening and I will keep you all posted!

Amina xx