My Identity crisis!



So this post is a bit of a personal one. If you're not into these, then click away now. I've been writing this for quite a while but always seem to fail at posting it. I thought it would be an interesting read as it will also allow you to get to know me a bit more. So here goes...

I remember feeling it when I got my first car and when I started my first proper full time job as a primary school teacher. I was driving and had a full time job. I felt very grown up all of a sudden. I then felt it again when I got married. But I definitely felt it the most after having kids.

If you read my blog you will know by now that I am a mum of two beautiful little girls. My eldest is nearly three and a half and youngest nearly two. I got married at 22 and became a mum at 24. This was such a blessing, but also, as you can imagine, really hard! I was so unprepared and didn't really know the depth of responsibility that motherhood would actually bring. I've documented parts of my mummy journey in blogposts such as, Welcome to motherhood, Breastfeeding 101 and To my girls on their 1st Birthday, in the hope of passing on some of my experiences.

The first few months of motherhood are a mixture of bliss and chaos. Bliss because of the miracle that has just happened and chaos because you don't know what is hitting you from all angles, be it breast milk, poo, crying, worry. It's like a battlefield. However, I found that once I started to get a handle on all of this (only around the nine month mark) I still couldn't shake the feeling - this thought that I had through all those major milestones. I knew I was doing everything I could to keep my baby safe, happy and healthy, but it just kept going through my mind... 'who am I?'. I was having an identity crisis.

I didn't think at the age of 24/25 I would be having what felt like a mid-life crisis. Am I just a mum? Am I still that person who loves to read, who loves to go to the cinema, who loves to go out with her friends? How could I hold on to all those things that defined me, when I never get the chance to do the things I love anymore!?

I had this new role that had been thrust upon me and, for the past nine months, that is all I had been. A mum. Nothing else. Was this all I was now? A mum. I kept repeating it to myself and felt a little guilty that I wasn't satisfied at being this and only this. Of course it felt amazing to be somebody's mum. To feel that unconditional love. To look into your baby's eyes and feel an overwhelming sense of love and comfort. But I needed to remember who I was before that, so I decided to get a little bit of my own self back - not just for my health, but for my baby too! By doing things like going out with my friends, going for date night with the hubby, things started to seem normal for a little while... and then baby number 2 came along!

Once again, after the initial few months of craziness, I again found myself feeling a little bit lost and confused. So again I tried doing all the things I used to love, but I wanted more. This is where my lovely blog comes in! I started this blog as something to do for myself and a hobby I could enjoy, and it really has turned into something I'm proud to say I do for me, even though I do have the odd natter about the kids. I write to express my love for the things that interest me most and to pass on any knowledge I have on motherhood, so people know they are not alone. One thing I absolutely love about blogging is the freedom and creativity it allows me to have! This is my own little space. It's a little bit like when buying your own first home. You finally have the freedom to do whatever you want and it's great.

So this was my identity crisis, but I am happy to say I am defined by many labels. Wife, Mother, Sister, Daughter, Friend, Teacher, Blogger, Make-up Artist. All labels I love.

Have you ever had an identity crisis? Do you ever wonder who you are? I would love to hear any of your thoughts below.

Amina xx

Diary of an imperfect mum

You Might Also Like


Popular Posts

Like us on Facebook

Flickr Images